Category: Satire
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Ex-City Dwellers Support Group – Initial Meeting
Date: Saturday Time: 10:00 AM Location: Camp Branch Acres Community Center (aka, side of boat ramp) Hosted by: The “That’s Not How We Did It Where I Came From” Committee Attention New Neighbors! Are you new to Camp Branch Acres and feeling a bit… out of place? Do you find yourself wondering why there’s no…
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Speeding to Disaster in Hawg Heaven
Dear “Distinguished” Citizens of Camp Branch Acres and Our Adoring Fans at Hawg Heaven, Well, well, well. It seems that in the absence of us slow, considerate Camp Branch Acres drivers, the peaceful, orderly streets of Hawg Heaven have transformed into a racetrack of sheer chaos (see original story: https://campbranchacres.org/2024/07/speeding-issues-in-hawg-heaven/ ) Who could have seen…
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Reason to Remove Kelle #6 – Habit of Making Decisions Without Required Votes
Kelle Rahm’s Reign of One-Woman Rule: Decisions You Never Voted On (But She Did!) Hey, remember when we all had that great discussion at the board meeting about proxy votes and whether they should be allowed? Or that riveting debate about whether or not board meetings should be recorded? And who could forget the amazing…
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Camp Branch Acres Tsunami Awareness Day
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first-ever Camp Branch Acres Tsunami Awareness Day! Grab your life jackets and those inflatable pool toys you’ve been saving for summer because Little Lake is ready to show you what it’s made of—and no, we don’t mean its stagnant water and abandoned fishing poles. For those of you who’ve…
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CALLING ALL VOLUNTEERS: THE GREAT CAMP BRANCH ACRES MAILBOX PROJECT!
CALLING ALL VOLUNTEERS: THE GREAT CAMP BRANCH ACRES MAILBOX PROJECT! Hold on to your hats, residents of Camp Branch Acres! We’re rallying the troops for a project so monumental, so immense, that it will take the might of our entire community to bring it to fruition. What’s that, you ask? Oh, just the small matter…
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Stop Wasting Money on Gas: Never Leave Your House
Frugal living experts have just unveiled the ultimate money-saving strategy: simply never leave your house. Forget carpooling, public transportation, or even biking. The key to saving big on gas is staying home. “Since I’ve stopped leaving the house, I haven’t bought gas in months,” said devoted budgeter, Stubby Manygoats. “I’m sitting on so much extra…
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Reason to Remove Kelle #4 – Fraudulent Fundraising On Her Watch (Updated 9-11-24).
Fraudulent Fundraising at Camp Branch Acres: A Tale of Independence and Misadventure In the tranquil yet treacherously pot-holed paradise of Camp Branch Acres, the annual POA meeting, cunningly masqueraded as a “charity” event, unfolded with all the drama and intrigue of a badly scripted reality TV show. Spearheaded by the notorious trio, Backtrack Paola, Kody…
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Pave the Way Forward: Camp Branch Acres Road Work Clinic
Greetings, residents of Camp Branch Acres! This Saturday, we’re rolling out an exciting opportunity for the able-bodied and enthusiastic members of our community: the inaugural Road Work Clinic. It’s a perfect chance for those who’ve focused on community politics, victimhood theater, or social debates to channel their energy into something tangibly beneficial—road repair! Event Insights:…
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Nurse Ratched’s “Emergency Action Plan” for Little Lake: Sanity Sprays, Sweet Solutions, and a Shocking Backup
In response to ongoing disturbances and a noticeable lack of an official Emergency Action Plan for Little Lake and its problematic dam—as required by the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality (TCEQ)—Nurse Ratched has taken matters into her own capable and domineering hands. Armed with her nursing knowledge and a touch of aggressiveness, she has devised…
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50 Ways to Remove the Chairwoman
This article marks the beginning of a series dedicated to thoroughly examining the numerous reasons why Kelle Rahm should step down or be removed from the board of the Camp Branch Acres Subdivision Property Owners Association. In the lead-up to the next meeting, we’ll delve into an extensive list of illegal actions, embarrassing missteps, and…
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Updated: Taco Bueno Turned Out to be No Bueno, But McAlister’s is Very Bueno!
Updated 8/29/2024: I always love it when something good comes out of something gone wrong. In a huge win for Livingston, it’s been discovered that McAlister’s Deli will be taking the place of the not so upscale Taco Bueno. With a menu like this, it’s all good! https://www.mcalistersdeli.com/menu Also on it’s way to Livingston is…
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Desperate Dictator: What’s Coming Next?
Attention, Camp Branch Acres residents! The battle is far from over. Our beloved leader, Kelle Mahme, is not one to surrender her iron grip on the reins of power so easily. As the self-appointed queen of “her” community, she has fought tooth and nail to keep Jerry O’Toole’s road plan from seeing the light of…
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The “Phil Makeover Special”: A Revamp for the Ages
In this week’s highly anticipated episode of “Neighborhood Makeovers: The Board Edition,” we’ve taken on the ultimate challenge: transforming Pedantic Phil from a meme-posting novice to a full-fledged, inquiry-dropping force of nature. Watch as our experts give Phil’s character profile the ultimate revamp, with an emphasis on his newfound ‘expertise’ in imminent domain, rust discovery,…
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Lots of Questions, Minimal Answers
In a scene that could only be described as a masterclass in procrastination and misinformation, the latest community Q&A meeting showcased the true art of doing nothing while pretending to do something. Kelle, ever the queen of delay, began the session with her usual flair—spouting off numbers that seemed as reliable as a used car…
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Tractor Wars: Has Tractor Tim Lost His Mojo?
In the quiet, rural community of Camp Branch Acres, a storm is brewing—not the kind that brings rain and flooding, thank God, but a showdown of epic proportions involving two of the community’s most colorful characters: Tractor Tim and Dudley Dumbass. The cause of this latest feud? The mighty tractor. Yes, folks, it seems that…
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Hidden Figures: The Untold Story of POA Accounting Pioneers
In a remote corner of Camp Branch Acres, where roads are paved with good intentions and bylaws are buried deeper than old treasure, the unsung heroes of accounting embark on a daring mission. They aren’t astronauts or mathematicians, but their work is just as complex—if you ask them. Welcome to the world of “Hidden Figures,”…
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The Misadventures of Hypocrite Heather: A Tale of Misunderstood Free Speech
Heather, known in Camp Branch Acres as “Hypocrite Heather,” has established herself as a vocal advocate for free speech—at least, when it serves her interests. However, her understanding of this right is deeply flawed, exposing her hypocrisy at every turn. Heather’s tumultuous interaction with the current Facebook group began with an incident involving her husband,…
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Dudley Dumbass Proposes Facebook Muzzle for Official Camp Branch Acres Facebook group
Ah, Dudley Dumbass, your Canadian upbringing must have left you a bit out of touch with how we handle free speech here in the land of the free. Sure, let’s give Kelle Mahme the perfect tools all fascists dream of: a platform to decree from on high without the pesky nuisance of discussion. I know…
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Breaking News: Cody Yawn Suspended by Nurse Ratched!
Well, folks, it’s a sad day in Camp Branch Acres. The font of all our entertainment and community insights, Cody Yawn, has been silenced by none other than Nurse Ratched herself. Oh, where, oh where will we find our daily dose of logical inconsistencies, paranoid fantasies, and delusions of grandeur now? In the immortal words…
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Theresa Troll and the Tale of the Temporary Road: A Paul Harvey Inspired Satire
“And now, for the rest of the story…” Good morning, Camp Branch Acres. If you were tuned into your community’s Facebook group, you might have seen a rather enlightening exchange concerning the heroic efforts of our 356 Volunteer Fire Department. And, as always, in the midst of real concern and genuine heroism, Theresa Troll couldn’t…
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Kody Yawn Strikes Again: When Self-Importance Meets Sheer Stupidity
In the tranquil chaos that is Camp Branch Acres, Kody Yawn has once again proven that his need for attention knows no bounds, and his capacity for making incredibly stupid mistakes is truly unparalleled. In a neighborhood grappling with the very real crisis of impassable roads and emergency vehicles struggling to reach critical areas, Kody…
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The Ultimate Parenting Guide: How to Properly Bubblewrap Your Millennial with Kelly Feral
In a world fraught with dangers like adulting, feelings, and the occasional unwelcome opinion, there arises the need for an expert. Enter Kelly Feral, self-proclaimed connoisseur of protective parenting, who hosted a much-anticipated seminar titled “Bubblewrap Your Millennial: Ensuring a Lifetime of Safety and Comfort.” The Venue: Kody Yawn’s Residence, Safe Space Supreme Held in…
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Camp Branch Acres Throwback Thursday: When the 356 Volunteer Fire Department Burned Up!
Y’all remember back in the day (July 17, 2011) when the 356 Volunteer Fire Department near Camp Branch Acres burned down faster than a squirrel on a greased pole? Yep, good ol’ Camp Branch Acres sure had a moment of glory that Sunday morning. It’s like one of those stories that starts with “Hold my…
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Camp Branch Acres Chronicles: The Road to Nowhere
In the quaint and quizzical community of Camp Branch Acres, the saga of road repair has taken a turn towards the absurd. Our hero of the hour, Kody Yawn, known for his exceptional ability to Google his way through life’s complexities, has once again graced us with his unique approach to community engagement. Kody’s Preemptive…
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Camp Branch Acres Style Olympics: A Tribute to the 2024 Games
Event Recap: Camp Branch Acres Style Olympics Welcome to the first-ever Camp Branch Acres Style Olympics, a unique and humorous tribute to the 2024 games! Our vibrant community came together to participate in a series of quirky and entertaining events that showcased the best (and funniest) of Camp Branch Acres. Here’s a detailed recap of…
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Redneck Robby’s Tale of the Category 5 “Sarcastic Storm”
Well, folks, let me spin y’all a yarn about the infamous Category 5 “Sarcastic Storm” that just whooped through Camp Branch Acres. You wouldn’t believe the havoc this storm unleashed on our so-called idealistic community, leaving us all scrambling like chickens with our heads cut off. But I could see it commen’, since the community…
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Camp Branch Acres Hosts Drone Appreciation Day Extravaganza
Get ready to celebrate the wonders of our aerial invaders as Camp Branch Acres proudly presents the first annual Drone Appreciation Day Extravaganza, with drone enthusiast Ima Dick! Join us for a day filled with fun, noise, and a little bit of chaos as we pay tribute to the buzzing marvels that have redefined our…
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Ancient Aliens at Lake Livingston: The Not-Real Reason Behind the No-Fly Zone
Lake Livingston, TX – In a surprising twist worthy of the History Channel’s hit show Ancient Aliens, sources close to the Trinity River Authority (TRA) have revealed that the true reason behind the recently imposed no-fly zone at Lake Livingston Dam is not just safety and security concerns. No, dear readers, it’s something far more…
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Speeding Issues in Hawg Heaven
Press Statement from the Esteemed Camp Branch Acres Community Dear Respected Members of the Camp Branch Acres Community, In response to the recent communication from our diligent Property Owners Association regarding complaints from our refined neighbors at Hawg Heaven, we feel it necessary to address these pressing issues with the gravity they deserve. First, we…
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The Art of the Handshake: A Satirical Tribute to Kody
In the grand theater of life, certain characters stand out not for their virtues, but for their peculiar blend of vices. Among these luminaries, one name rises above the rest: Kody, the undisputed champion of the manly handshake. Kody’s handshake is not just a greeting; it’s a performance, a spectacle of machismo that leaves one…
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Kody (Yawn) – It’s All About Him
Boy am I glad Kody was elected to the board. He obviously is always just interested in helping others out. <— That was sarcasm, for those unaware. Kody lost, again, and was thankfully not put on the board. Kody would never try to make a buck off of a disaster that has hit this community…
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Heroes in Hiding: The Tale of a Community United and a POA Chairman’s Lament
In a stunning twist of fate, the recent hurricane that swept through our community brought about a phenomenon not seen in a while: neighbors helping each other out. Despite a history marked by petty infighting and bickering over whose lawnmower is noisier and whose dog barks louder, the storm seemed to have washed away layers…
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No News Is Good News
There is no recent news on cbapoa.org Camp Branch Acres is such a peaceful subdivision, with absolutely nothing going on. If we were living in another community we might have: Well, what do you expect when the chairman is sending these signals?
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Camp Branch Acres Rebrands to Camp Quitcherbitchin: A Return to Native Heritage and a Nod to Unity
Camp Branch Acres – In a bold and unprecedented move, Camp Branch Acres has announced a name change to Camp Quitcherbitchin. This decision, spearheaded by community leader Kelly Mahme (pronounced “Mommy”), aims to support a newfound spirit of unity and peace within the neighborhood. “We believe this name change is a return to our native…
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Tragic End for Retired Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles After Biblical Rainstorm
In a shockingly avoidable turn of events, the beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who had retired from their crime-fighting days in New York City, met an untimely and needless end due to a catastrophic flood triggered by an unprecedented biblical rainstorm. The Turtles had chosen a small, tranquil pond beneath an old dam in Camp…