Author: BigKahuna
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A Tribute to Little Lake: From Jesse James Johnson’s Wild West to the Water Wonderland of Camp Branch Acres
Ah, Little Lake. It’s the crown jewel of Camp Branch Acres (besides Lake Livingston)—a place for fishing, relaxing, and, for some, a key survival resource for when the world inevitably spirals into chaos. But before we go imagining Little Lake as the pure, tranquil oasis of our dreams, let’s take a step back in time…
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Letters to the Editor – September 2024
We’ve received several emails sent to publicinfo@campbranchacres.org and we’re taking this opportunity to answer a few of the most frequently asked questions in this edition of our Letters to the Editor section. Many of these emails came anonymously, others asked to remain anonymous. We have made our own nicknames for the authors of these letters.…
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Reason to Remove Kelle #6 – Habit of Making Decisions Without Required Votes
Kelle Rahm’s Reign of One-Woman Rule: Decisions You Never Voted On (But She Did!) Hey, remember when we all had that great discussion at the board meeting about proxy votes and whether they should be allowed? Or that riveting debate about whether or not board meetings should be recorded? And who could forget the amazing…
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Step Right Up, Place Your Bets! The Fundraising Committee’s “Anything Goes Gala!”
Step right up, folks! Place your bets and get ready for the grandest, most dazzling, can-you-believe-it charity extravaganza this side of Texas! Well, hold on to your hats, because what we’ve got here ain’t your run-of-the-mill charity event. No sir, this here is the Fundraising Committee’s “Anything Goes Gala!”—where the rules are made up, and…
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Chasm Chronicles: The Hole Saga Ends (But Not Thanks to You-Know-Who)
Carlisle, TX — In an exhilarating development for suspension systems and local sobriety checkpoints alike, the infamous car-swallowing chasm on High Line Road has been upgraded from a terrifying abyss to a mere uneven patch. And while it’s not quite ready for parade floats or spontaneous drag races, in a genuine emergency (like spotting a…
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Reason to Remove Kelle #4 – Fraudulent Fundraising On Her Watch (Updated 9-11-24).
Fraudulent Fundraising at Camp Branch Acres: A Tale of Independence and Misadventure In the tranquil yet treacherously pot-holed paradise of Camp Branch Acres, the annual POA meeting, cunningly masqueraded as a “charity” event, unfolded with all the drama and intrigue of a badly scripted reality TV show. Spearheaded by the notorious trio, Backtrack Paola, Kody…
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Reason #3: Kelle Rahm – Not A Verified Property Owner
It’s no secret that Kelle Rahm, the self-proclaimed sole Decision Maker of the Camp Branch Acres POA, has stirred her fair share of controversy. But recently, a peculiar detail about her leadership qualifications came to light: she may not even be a property owner. According to the local appraisal district, Kelle Rahm is not a…
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Reason #2 Kelle Must Be Removed – Gross Negligence and Incompetence
Reason #2: Gross Negligence in Ensuring a Safe and Secure Environment When it comes to leadership, negligence can be just as damaging as malice. Unfortunately, Kelle’s handling of the road washout and subsequent FEMA involvement has demonstrated a worrying level of incompetence that places our entire community at risk. Four Months, Two Bids, Zero Progress…
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Nurse Ratched’s “Emergency Action Plan” for Little Lake: Sanity Sprays, Sweet Solutions, and a Shocking Backup
In response to ongoing disturbances and a noticeable lack of an official Emergency Action Plan for Little Lake and its problematic dam—as required by the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality (TCEQ)—Nurse Ratched has taken matters into her own capable and domineering hands. Armed with her nursing knowledge and a touch of aggressiveness, she has devised…
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#1 Reason to Remove Kelle – Violating Voting Rights of Property Owners
I write to bring to your attention a serious matter concerning the recent voting process for the road project held on August 24, 2024. As many of you are aware, ballots were distributed to property owners without the option to vote by proxy. This action is not only a violation of the rights of the…
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50 Ways to Remove the Chairwoman
This article marks the beginning of a series dedicated to thoroughly examining the numerous reasons why Kelle Rahm should step down or be removed from the board of the Camp Branch Acres Subdivision Property Owners Association. In the lead-up to the next meeting, we’ll delve into an extensive list of illegal actions, embarrassing missteps, and…
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When Power Grabs and Google Gaffes Collide: The Curious Case of Kelle Mahme and Pedantic Phil
In the latest drama unfolding in the storied community of Camp Branch Acres, we’ve been treated to a spectacular show of legal missteps, power grabs, and a dash of Google-fueled pedantry. At the heart of this tale are two of our most notorious characters: Kelle Mahme, the aspiring dictator with a flair for backfiring schemes,…
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Who We Are
Who We Are: Camp Branch Acres Advocates We are a group of property owners who have cherished Camp Branch Acres for years, witnessing the beauty and camaraderie that once defined this community. However, in recent years, we have observed a troubling shift in the character of our beloved neighborhood. What was once a close-knit community,…
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The Mystery of the Ever-Changing Dam: Ben’s Tale of Nothingness
In a riveting installment of “There’s Nothing to See Here,” Ben, our local dam enthusiast and self-proclaimed expert, continues to assure everyone that the dam at Camp Branch Acres has “always been in this condition.” According to Ben, the dam is as timeless as the stars, as sturdy as his arguments, and as immovable as…
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A Big Thanks to Theresa Troll for Her Electrifying Speech at the Q&A
Camp Branch Acres was honored this week to witness Theresa Troll’s brilliant oration during the Q&A session, where her rallying cry of “We have the power!” echoed through the room like a thunderbolt. With the fervor usually reserved for her ‘artistic’ beautification projects that somehow never catch on, Theresa took the floor and delivered a…
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The “Phil Makeover Special”: A Revamp for the Ages
In this week’s highly anticipated episode of “Neighborhood Makeovers: The Board Edition,” we’ve taken on the ultimate challenge: transforming Pedantic Phil from a meme-posting novice to a full-fledged, inquiry-dropping force of nature. Watch as our experts give Phil’s character profile the ultimate revamp, with an emphasis on his newfound ‘expertise’ in imminent domain, rust discovery,…
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Lots of Questions, Minimal Answers
In a scene that could only be described as a masterclass in procrastination and misinformation, the latest community Q&A meeting showcased the true art of doing nothing while pretending to do something. Kelle, ever the queen of delay, began the session with her usual flair—spouting off numbers that seemed as reliable as a used car…
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Dan Watts / Kelle Account Suspended for Link to Hacking Attempts
Posted to the Facebook group by Nurse Ratched on 8-11-2024 “We take the safety and security of our community very seriously. It has come to our attention that a recent post by Dan Watts contained the following message: “Fun fact: Did you know there are hack challenge sites out there that you can get the…
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Kelle Can’t Hack It
(Literally and Figuratively) Camp Branch Acres – In a classic case of irony, the community is abuzz with whispers that the upcoming “executive session” is less about addressing the real issues facing Camp Branch Acres and more about removing Nurse Ratched from her role in running the CBAPOA.ORG website. Nurse Ratched has donated and maintained…
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Hidden Figures: The Untold Story of POA Accounting Pioneers
In a remote corner of Camp Branch Acres, where roads are paved with good intentions and bylaws are buried deeper than old treasure, the unsung heroes of accounting embark on a daring mission. They aren’t astronauts or mathematicians, but their work is just as complex—if you ask them. Welcome to the world of “Hidden Figures,”…
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The Road Vote and Missing Proxy Option
(This is reposted from an informative email) Dear Camp Branch Acres Community, As we prepare to vote on the critical issue of funding the road repairproject, I urge everyone to consider the significant benefits ofapproving this initiative and to reflect on the concerning removal ofthe proxy vote option from this ballot. Why We Must Vote…
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The Bylaws Shuffle: When Missing Pages and Missing Logic Go Hand in Hand
In the latest thrilling episode of “Bylaws Shenanigans at Camp Branch Acres,” our esteemed chairman has managed to achieve something truly remarkable: uploading a document that’s as incomplete as it is confusing. Yes, dear neighbors, the bylaws have made their grand appearance online—minus a couple of critical addendums, of course. We’re talking about the May…
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The Misadventures of Hypocrite Heather: A Tale of Misunderstood Free Speech
Heather, known in Camp Branch Acres as “Hypocrite Heather,” has established herself as a vocal advocate for free speech—at least, when it serves her interests. However, her understanding of this right is deeply flawed, exposing her hypocrisy at every turn. Heather’s tumultuous interaction with the current Facebook group began with an incident involving her husband,…
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Kody Yawn Strikes Again: When Self-Importance Meets Sheer Stupidity
In the tranquil chaos that is Camp Branch Acres, Kody Yawn has once again proven that his need for attention knows no bounds, and his capacity for making incredibly stupid mistakes is truly unparalleled. In a neighborhood grappling with the very real crisis of impassable roads and emergency vehicles struggling to reach critical areas, Kody…
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The Ultimate Parenting Guide: How to Properly Bubblewrap Your Millennial with Kelly Feral
In a world fraught with dangers like adulting, feelings, and the occasional unwelcome opinion, there arises the need for an expert. Enter Kelly Feral, self-proclaimed connoisseur of protective parenting, who hosted a much-anticipated seminar titled “Bubblewrap Your Millennial: Ensuring a Lifetime of Safety and Comfort.” The Venue: Kody Yawn’s Residence, Safe Space Supreme Held in…
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Camp Branch Acres Chronicles: The Road to Nowhere
In the quaint and quizzical community of Camp Branch Acres, the saga of road repair has taken a turn towards the absurd. Our hero of the hour, Kody Yawn, known for his exceptional ability to Google his way through life’s complexities, has once again graced us with his unique approach to community engagement. Kody’s Preemptive…
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Camp Branch Acres Style Olympics: A Tribute to the 2024 Games
Event Recap: Camp Branch Acres Style Olympics Welcome to the first-ever Camp Branch Acres Style Olympics, a unique and humorous tribute to the 2024 games! Our vibrant community came together to participate in a series of quirky and entertaining events that showcased the best (and funniest) of Camp Branch Acres. Here’s a detailed recap of…
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Camp Branch Acres Hosts Drone Appreciation Day Extravaganza
Get ready to celebrate the wonders of our aerial invaders as Camp Branch Acres proudly presents the first annual Drone Appreciation Day Extravaganza, with drone enthusiast Ima Dick! Join us for a day filled with fun, noise, and a little bit of chaos as we pay tribute to the buzzing marvels that have redefined our…
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Ancient Aliens at Lake Livingston: The Not-Real Reason Behind the No-Fly Zone
Lake Livingston, TX – In a surprising twist worthy of the History Channel’s hit show Ancient Aliens, sources close to the Trinity River Authority (TRA) have revealed that the true reason behind the recently imposed no-fly zone at Lake Livingston Dam is not just safety and security concerns. No, dear readers, it’s something far more…
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Speeding Issues in Hawg Heaven
Press Statement from the Esteemed Camp Branch Acres Community Dear Respected Members of the Camp Branch Acres Community, In response to the recent communication from our diligent Property Owners Association regarding complaints from our refined neighbors at Hawg Heaven, we feel it necessary to address these pressing issues with the gravity they deserve. First, we…
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Kody (Yawn) – It’s All About Him
Boy am I glad Kody was elected to the board. He obviously is always just interested in helping others out. <— That was sarcasm, for those unaware. Kody lost, again, and was thankfully not put on the board. Kody would never try to make a buck off of a disaster that has hit this community…
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Heroes in Hiding: The Tale of a Community United and a POA Chairman’s Lament
In a stunning twist of fate, the recent hurricane that swept through our community brought about a phenomenon not seen in a while: neighbors helping each other out. Despite a history marked by petty infighting and bickering over whose lawnmower is noisier and whose dog barks louder, the storm seemed to have washed away layers…
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About the Damn Dam
Trinity County, TX – Recent inspections of the Camp Branch Acres Dam have highlighted significant concerns regarding its maintenance and lack of maintenance by its owner, which may have contributed to damages during the April floods. Moreover, a miscommunication with residents bordering the little lake led to widespread confusion and concern about the lake being…
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No News Is Good News
There is no recent news on cbapoa.org Camp Branch Acres is such a peaceful subdivision, with absolutely nothing going on. If we were living in another community we might have: Well, what do you expect when the chairman is sending these signals?
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Camp Branch Acres Rebrands to Camp Quitcherbitchin: A Return to Native Heritage and a Nod to Unity
Camp Branch Acres – In a bold and unprecedented move, Camp Branch Acres has announced a name change to Camp Quitcherbitchin. This decision, spearheaded by community leader Kelly Mahme (pronounced “Mommy”), aims to support a newfound spirit of unity and peace within the neighborhood. “We believe this name change is a return to our native…
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The Case of the Tennis Ball Terrorist
In the serene hamlet of Camp Branch Acres, where the most exciting news usually revolves around whose dog is the cutest or who has the fastest jetski, a new, baffling menace has emerged: the Tennis Ball Terrorist. This elusive fiend struck terror into the hearts of residents by allegedly committing the heinous act of gluing…
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Camp Branch Acres Welcomes the Jussie Smollett Fan Club: Kody Yawn Takes the Helm
Jussie Convicted on False Police Reports, Fake Hate Crime In a groundbreaking development that has left the residents of Camp Branch Acres both bewildered and bemused, a new club has emerged on the community scene. Yes, you heard it right: the Jussie Smollett Fan Club is now officially a thing, and who better to lead…
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Camp Branch Acres – Heaven in Texas
Camp Branch Acres is a very nice place. We have a community where, for the most part, people help each other. It’s like a family. And, like a family there are some nut jobs, some sociopaths, and some people you wouldn’t want to invite for Thanksgiving. The majority of people are caring, giving, wonderful folks.…