Speeding to Disaster in Hawg Heaven

Dear “Distinguished” Citizens of Camp Branch Acres and Our Adoring Fans at Hawg Heaven,

Well, well, well. It seems that in the absence of us slow, considerate Camp Branch Acres drivers, the peaceful, orderly streets of Hawg Heaven have transformed into a racetrack of sheer chaos (see original story: https://campbranchacres.org/2024/07/speeding-issues-in-hawg-heaven/ ) Who could have seen that coming? I mean, really, we’re talking about the model community where law-abiding citizens—many of whom, by the way, are listed on certain public registries—live in perfect harmony. What could possibly go wrong?

Remember how we were constantly tailgated while obeying the modest 30 mph speed limit? Oh yes, nothing quite says “thank you, neighbor” like being practically shoved off the road by your friendly Hawg Heaven drivers, urging us to speed up like we were crawling in a parking lot. And now? Turns out we were the only ones actually keeping that limit in check. Shocking, I know! Without us around, their cars are now flying through the streets at a blistering pace, pushing 40 whole miles per hour. Good heavens, how will their poor roads ever survive such an intense velocity?

Now, you might be wondering—how on earth did our esteemed chairman get this whole situation with Big Hawg Road so wrong? Blaming us for the speeding? Well, it’s actually quite simple: she never had to drive on it herself – except twice for meetings. You see, it’s easy to make sweeping decisions about things you’ve never experienced firsthand. Just like she never had to worry about the lack of ability for 911 to respond to her doomsday preparing-for-the-apocalypse homestead, or the paralyzing fear that a fire might break out during Memorial Day or the 4th of July. Both major holidays came and went while we all sat around waiting for our fearless leaders to obtain a plan – which turned out to be 2 quotes in over 4 months.

And there we were, sitting ducks, crossing our fingers that we wouldn’t have to make a desperate emergency call or fend off flames ourselves. But, rest assured, none of these concerns made it onto the chairman’s radar. After all, it’s much easier to sit back and criticize those of us driving on Big Hawg Road without ever having to touch the steering wheel yourself.

So, to our fearless leader: thanks for your impeccable judgment. It’s nice to know that while we were navigating tailgaters and road rage, you were safely away from it all, figuring out how to express your parental disapproval with those erroneously blamed Camp Branchers and shirking your fiduciary duty to help keep the community safe.

With a truckload of sarcasm,
Captain Sarcastic

PS: On the other hand Hawg Heaven doesn’t have to put up with a crappy-looking “Junk Yard” fence being thrown together in their community. How do I sign up to join Hawg Heaven?

With all the sarcasm I can muster,
Captain Sarcastic