Tragic End for Retired Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles After Biblical Rainstorm

In a shockingly avoidable turn of events, the beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who had retired from their crime-fighting days in New York City, met an untimely and needless end due to a catastrophic flood triggered by an unprecedented biblical rainstorm. The Turtles had chosen a small, tranquil pond beneath an old dam in Camp Branch Acres, owned by local resident Ren “Stubby” Kubbs, as their retirement haven.

Ren Kubbs, who prefers to be called Stubby, had purchased the dam some years ago and, unsurprisingly, had neglected its upkeep. Despite his pride in owning a piece of local history, he apparently thought the dam would maintain itself. After all, who needs regular upkeep when you can just hope for the best?

Witnesses report that the storm was unlike anything seen since the days of Noah. Rain fell in sheets, accompanied by thunder and lightning, causing the pond to swell rapidly. Despite their formidable ninja skills, the Turtles were no match for Stubby’s stellar dam maintenance. Michelangelo, ever the optimist, was heard shouting, “Cowabunga, dudes!” as the waters rose. Leonardo attempted to lead an escape, Donatello calculated survival odds, and Raphael resigned himself to their fate with a typical grumble. The dam, predictably, gave way, releasing a deluge that swept the Turtles away.

Stubby, oblivious to the disaster, was reportedly in his shed attempting the impossible: milking a male goat. Unaware of the impending tragedy, he continued with his misguided task, proving that his incompetence extended well beyond dam maintenance. And who the hell buys a property with a dam on it they can’t maintain?

The Turtles’ demise has left their fans and the local community in shock, and local property owners upset their property values have crashed!  However, their memory will not fade. A local man named Ima Dick has stepped forward to honor their legacy by building a memorial at the site of their final resting place.

“While the memorial is a nice tribute, I think we could all agree that preventing the tragedy in the first place would have been better.  However, in the spirit of ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ everyone just wanted to talk about property values instead of prevention”, Dick said. The memorial features statues of the Turtles in heroic poses, surrounded by a serene garden for reflection.

Kelly Mahme, also a resident of Camp Branch Acres, in the spirit of self-reliance and survivalism, did want to mention they made a very tasty soup.

Visitors from across the region have flocked to the memorial to pay their respects and celebrate the lives of the heroes who once protected their city. The memorial ensures that the legend of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will live on, reminding the world of their bravery and the completely avoidable, ridiculous ways in which heroes can fall.

For further updates and details on the memorial’s opening ceremony, stay tuned to our channel.