Lots of Questions, Minimal Answers

In a scene that could only be described as a masterclass in procrastination and misinformation, the latest community Q&A meeting showcased the true art of doing nothing while pretending to do something. Kelle, ever the queen of delay, began the session with her usual flair—spouting off numbers that seemed as reliable as a used car salesman’s promises, while making sure to remind everyone that progress was just around the corner, or maybe the next one. Quite possibly the next . . . If only she could “wiggle her nose and get y’all some money,” the community’s woes would vanish, but alas, that magic was reserved for another day.

Pedantic Phil (formerly known as Phil Meme), the self-appointed expert on everything, took center stage to ask questions that sounded technical enough to confuse the audience, all while delivering them with an air of authority that belied his complete lack of expertise. His questions about rusting steel and engineering reports were clearly designed more to prolong the discussion and make himself sound like the expert in the room, rather than contribute any meaningful solutions. He brilliantly sowed the seeds of doubt while offering absolutely no useful alternatives, a talent honed to perfection.

Meanwhile, Tommy Roads—ever the dedicated public servant—showed up with the intent to get things done. He made generous offers of free trucks and manpower, doing everything within his power to help the community fix the mess they’d been dealing with since April. Tommy’s frustration was clear, not because he was unwilling to help, but because the board’s indecision was tying his hands. Despite the obstacles, Tommy remained patient and professional, ready to assist the moment the board made a decision.

The cherry on top of this bureaucratic sundae was the appearance of the Hawg Heaven representatives, who made it abundantly clear that they were fed up with the temporary road situation that violated their bylaws. Their resistance to any harebrained scheme involving eminent domain was as fierce as it was justified. After all, why should they suffer for the board’s incompetence?

As the meeting dragged on, it became clear that Jerry O’Toole’s solid plan was the only viable path forward, yet it too was bogged down by the endless questioning and dithering of Kelle and Pedantic Phil. Even the promise of FEMA funds couldn’t shake the board from their paralysis. Adding a glimmer of hope, Mike the OG generously offered to provide free transportation of the steel structure that would be used to create the culvert—a gesture that should have sped things along if the board could just make a decision.

And just when you thought the meeting couldn’t get any more farcical, Theresa Troll leapt out from under her metaphorical bridge, declaring, “We have the power!”—a statement as ominous as it was ridiculous. It was like watching a troll demand a toll for crossing a bridge that didn’t exist, and the audience was left wondering just who, exactly, was in charge.

Adding to the absurdity, Nurse Ratched, ever diligent, provided an amateurish audio recording of the Q&A session on YouTube. It’s truly pathetic that this recording, made by a new property owner, will probably be the only complete record of what transpired on Saturday. You can listen to it here: YouTube link.

In the midst of all this, another question shadowed the event: What was the purpose of the “special executive session”? Kelle emphasized several times that this was not an official meeting, yet this rogue executive session was deemed so important that notice requirements were waived and the actual purpose was never stated. If it was truly urgent, why wasn’t it used to vote on any emergency actions related to the highest safety hazard in the community—a non-functioning road that impacts 911 access? It’s perplexing that an emergency session could be called for reasons seemingly unrelated to the dire situation at hand, leaving the community to wonder what the board’s true priorities are.

In the end, the only thing accomplished was the unanimous agreement that nothing would get done until next week’s meeting, where, presumably, the same cycle of inaction would continue. The road remains a washout, and the board, true to form, remains stuck in the mud.